iSmort 4.0

The Discombobulation

2010-10-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

[Originally published July 11, 2006]

I have a teenager living at home, and if you’ve ever had one, or have one, what I am about to say will not be a surprise to you. For those who have kids, but they are not yet teens, let this be a warning.

They will not do anything you ever ask of them, ever. If you ask them to take the trash out, the trash will sit there until insects and rodents consume it completely.

In fact, they will do whatever you ask them not to do, too. For example, if you ask them to not to paint the cat red, you will come home to find the cat painted red.

You think I’m exaggerating? Okay, I am . . . but only a little.

Take Heather. Please. We have asked her 1 million times to turn off lights in the house when she is not in the room. Instead, she turns on every light possible, in every room, including closets, the oven, refrigerator and dryer, and then goes over to her friend’s house.

I should mention that Heather is not 13, nor 15. She is 19.

Her reasoning for this is that she doesn’t want people to think she is home alone when she is home alone. I understand that, except passing by our home on these particular evenings makes it look like the 101st Airborne Division lives there. And the fact that the sun might be up doesn’t stop her either. One afternoon, I came home to find every light on, every window open, the heater running full blast (it was February), and the TV on. Heather was six miles away.

Needless to say my electric bill starts with a number and has several zeros that follow.

Should I add that Heather does have a job, though it pays minimum wage, and she apparently works about 45 minutes a week. After taxes, her paycheck starts with a decimal point.

Now, we have been asking her nicely, asking her meanly, yelling, screaming and finally reverting to threats. (The government has placed our home under an ORANGE threat level.)

I am glad to say that it has only taken us years, but she now turns off lights when she leaves the room. Usually. If she doesn’t forget. The electric bill now is now lower than the Gross National Product of Uruguay.

But, there is one thing she cannot, or will not do. Turn off the TV.

This particular TV I bought in 1992 and for some bizarre reason, it still works. I’ve been hoping it would go out so I could sit there, fumbling with the remote, and tell my wife "Dang. The TV doesn’t work. I guess we’ll have to buy a plasma."

But, no, this TV still works. And because I can’t really afford a plasma, I’m trying to squeeze every possible moment out of it. (I figure if the age of this TV was translated into people years, it would be 1,612 years old.)

Heather, however, belongs to The Church of The Forever On TV, whose fundamental beliefs is the television should always be on, always, and at a very loud volume to boot.

So, Heather comes home from her hard, long 45 minutes of work and lays down on the couch to relax in front of the TV. She immediately falls asleep, which is another thing teenagers do, like cats. They sleep for about 23-1/2 hours a day, and spend their awake time complaining there is no milk or macaroni and cheese. Then they go back to sleep. With the TV on. Cats are actually more polite, because they don’t complain about the milk or macaroni and don’t know how to operate a TV. They also take up less space on the couch.

Anyway, we have asked Heather (nicely, meanly, threateningly, screamingly) to just not even turn on the TV since it apparently induces somnambulism, which is the medical term for TV sleepwatching.

When we ask why she turned the TV on when she knew she wasn’t supposed to, here are the most popular reasons, in no particular order:

– I don’t remember turning the TV on. I must have been really tired since they asked me to work 12 minutes of overtime.

– The cat turned it on.

– The dog turned it on.

– I fell asleep on the remote, and must have accidentally turned it on.

– I tried to turn it off, but the remote didn’t work. I think the batteries are dead.

– The TV was already on.

– I turned on the TV?

So, Monday morning, I come downstairs to head to work, and it is the typical scene. Heather: Asleep. TV: On.

Then I get an idea. It’s brilliant! I will discombobulate the TV! Yes!

And so I do. I re-jigger the TV and cable box so nothing works. I am a genius.

I leave for work and soon enough get a call.

"Scott?"

"Yes, Heather."

"The TV doesn’t work."

"Really? I thought you weren’t supposed to turn the TV on?"

"Oh . . . um . . ."

"Goodbye, Heather."

I’m very proud of myself. It was perfect. Except for one little thing. If one is married and one thinks that discombobulating the TV is a good idea, one should inform one’s spouse. Especially if that spouse is addicted to something called "All My Children."

"Honey?"

"Yes, Dear."

"The TV doesn’t work."

"Really? Dang. That’s too bad. Well, I guess we’ll have to buy a plasma."

The BEST Web Mail

2010-08-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

A lot of minor hype recently over the latest Hotmail redesign. And it's not bad. There's still some stuff that is a bit clunky, but it is a major improvement over what it was.

The question running around was whether it was better than Gmail. Because, supposedly, Gmail is the best web mail the world has ever seen. Ever.

But that's like saying the Blasto-5000 are the best roller skates ever.

Remember when Internet email was the killer app? Hotmail. Yahoo Mail. AOL Mail. Then, just as it all died down and no one cared, out came Gmail with its 1 GB of storage and a new way of doing things. Was it better? Not really, but it was different, and that made it special. It also made Hotmail and Yahoo and AOL re-think things. Suddenly everyone was offering a gig or two. Or even unlimited storage. Woo hoo. Now I can use your crappy program and not have to worry about deleting anything. What a freaking joy.

Of course, web mail was still the dweeby cousin of real email programs like Outlook or Thunderbird or Eudora. Manly-man programs that were studly and muscley and did everything, including things you didn't want. Outlook, all by itself, is a gigantic mess with mail, contacts, calendar, tasks, journal, and all of them inter-connected as if it mattered. The program was so big that sometimes if you sneezed, it would go into "Not Responding" mode and you'd stare at a spinning wheel for ten minutes until it worked out its issues. Microsoft should have included free therapy with each copy -- not for you, but for the program.

Thunderbird was like Outlook without the calendar or tasks, but of course, someone came up with an add-on in case you got withdrawal symptoms. Eudora was just mail -- ugly mail -- but some people loved it.

Nevertheless, Outlook became the behemouth -- not just in its physical size, but in its usage around the world. And for good reason. It did mail pretty darn well. Very well. Sure it had its quirks, like Microsoft insisting it use MS Word for editing instead of . . . well, anything else . . . which created weird outcomes for people receiving email from Outlook users. The messages could come out wrong. The solution, of course, was to use Outlook. After all, if you did that, you wouldn't have those problems.

Anyway, Outlook became the defacto default, and so web mail then tried to mimic it. Except Gmail. They decided they didn't like Outlook, or HTML mail, or, well, really anything having to do with anything. The messages in Gmail didn't show up in the order you received them, but as part of conversations. It was as if Martha Stewart was an advisor at Google. Who knows, maybe she is.

So, how does it all play out? Some say Hotmail is the biggest web mail service. Others say Yahoo. No one says Gmail, though they're adding people at a good clip. Some say they like Gmail because it's "cleaner" than the other two. This cleanliness comes from text ads rather than moving, dancing, blinking banner ads in Yahoo or Hotmail. Of course if you pay Microsoft or Yahoo, they'll take away the ads. If you pay Google, they don't do anything. Well, they increase your storage, but the ads stay.

So, which is best? Well, it's like cars. Some people like Toyotas, some like GMs, some like Fords. There is no best. Only personal taste, which can't be quantified. Except by you.

All this reminds me of the differences between satellite radio services a few years ago. Some idiots tried to explain why Sirius was better than XM or XM was better than Sirius when they both offered essentially the same things -- and sometimes the same exact channels -- with little nuances here and there which really didn't amount to much. Then they merged, and now 95% of the channels are duplicated on both services, and it boils down to which car you buy and which service they offer.

Of course, web mail is free, and they each have their nuances -- some attractive, some mind-boggling. And they're all trying to be like each other. One day, they might, and the argument becomes silly. Actually it is silly now, but there's still the fat heads who swear Gmail is better.

Sure, okay. I hope they feel better now.

Love Thy Enemies

2010-07-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time . . . and not that long ago . . . I truly believed I had no enemies. And maybe I didn't. But things changed.

It was strange going through that process of realizing there was someone out to get me. Not a paranoid thing, but a real, living person who wanted to see me fail, and worked to get that accomplished.

It ain't fun.

And that whole stuff in the Bible about turning the other cheek and loving thy enemies . . . easier said than done, for certain. Sometimes it felt impossible. But it is do-able, in an erosion kind of way -- like a dribble of water dissolving a rock over a million years.

Here's what I did . . . maybe it will help you or someone you know.

First, identify thy enemy. Who are they? Maybe they

Second, what do they want? Is it just a dislike? (Hate?) Did you do something they took offense to?

Third, what is it they do or say that have led you to believe they are your enemy? Be real, be honest. Tell yourself the truth. If you truly believe this person is your enemy, then they probably view you as their enemy.

Fourth, can you kiss it and make it better? I believe just about everything is fixable. It may not be immediate -- it may take years -- but unless your enemy is Hitler, you can improve the issue, the situation, the relationship.

It's really, really, really hard to pray for the person (people?) who you think are your enemies, to actually wish them well -- health, success, love, contentment. Maybe there is literally something wrong with them that they need to get help for . . . but for your own sanity, you must pray for them. If you don't, you are if not part of the problem . . . you are the problem.

There are a couple of other things you'll need to do to make things better:

Act as if it doesn't bother you. Yes, I know it does, but don't let it show.
If you can, avoid situations with that person. Out of sight, out of mind. (That doesn't mean you stop praying for them and their well-being!)

Be reasonable, be conciliatory, be helpful, be polite, be professional . . . but that doesn't mean you can allow them to walk all over you. If that's the case, you're going to have to be clever, resourceful and forthright in dealing with this person in order to protect yourself. If the person is truly your enemy and seeks to physically hurt you, you not only have to try to avoid situations with them, but take protective measures.

Most enemies, though, are not out to physically hurt you -- they just want something you have, are jealous, or are spiteful. They just want to see you cringe, get angry or feel hurt.

Alas, sometimes protecting yourself from these things are impossible -- you're going to cringe, get angry and feel hurt. Go for it. In order to "win" you have to act like it doesn't bother you. Treat them like your friend. This will have two effects:

A) Your anger will dissipate.

B) It will disarm your opponent.

And who knows? Maybe that enemy will actually become your friend.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Organizing Getting Organized

2010-07-05T20:20:00.001-07:00

I keep trying to find better ways to get organized – to-do lists, calendars, note-takers, reminders – but I keep finding the simplest things work best.

I tried to use Outlook as my main hub, and it’s a wonderful tool . . . but I need something to sync with my iPhone. I can set up Google Calendar with Outlook, which syncs with the iPhone . . . except I upgraded to Outlook 2010, and the Google Calendar Sync doesn’t work with it yet.

I can get tasks to sync in Outlook with Toodledo.

Syncing Google Contacts with Outlook can’t happen unless I pay for a premium Google Apps account. But I don’t want to pay for that. And without contact syncing, it throws everything off.

So, I’ve ended up using Microsoft Exchange to sync Google Calendar and Contacts with the iPhone, and Toodledo to sync tasks, but it’s still not a complete circle.

I so wish someone would come out with a simple syncing program that handles contacts, calendar, tasks and notes in one place – or, rather, two places: My PC and my iPhone. Change something in one, and have it reflected in the other.

Please?

The Swiss Army Knife of The Modern Life

2010-07-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

I know about a million articles have been written about the iPhone 4. This is #1,000,001.

Let me put it this way:

It's my telephone, calendar, address book, Bible, email, text messenger, instant messenger, Internet browser, to-do list, note taker, radio, iPod, dictionary, newspaper, weatherman, stock market tracker, camera, video recorder, photo album, voice recorder, compass, calculator, alarm clock, expense tracker, document reader, map, GPS, metric converter, game player, video player, translator, encyclopedia, search engine, yellow pages, bank statement, flashlight, password database and video conferencing machine.

All it needs is a knife, screwdriver and electric shaver, and I'm all set.